“People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories
are the real badasses.”
-Brene’ Brown
As we journey through relationships, whether they are friendships, romantic, family or professional and community involvement, there may be one crucial need that we as human beings all desire – to be understood. Let’s face it, as people, we innately respond positively when others get us – we see a smile, a nod in agreement, a sparkle in one’s eyes. When this happens, it’s as if one’s energy illuminates a primal connection – our eyes dilate, our heart pounds and even our breathing changes. All of these responses are guided by our brain’s limbic system, lighting-up a primal part of us which bows to our humanness, and the dance begins. In romance, it’s a turn-on; in friendships, it’s a connection; in families it may be empathy and in professional and community organizations it could be an affirmation or validation.
Even before being understood, I would point out the importance for us to know ourselves deeply – our light and our darkness, also known as the shadow self - so we can show up as the authentic person we were created to be. This means unpacking the baggage we play-out or carry around from childhood into adulthood – all of the joys and sorrows; the hurtful words mocked or screamed and silences that sliced our heart in two. The losses, the deaths, the break-ups; the mom who left or the mom who was overbearing and the dad who was unavailable; the drugs, the alcohol and the sexual addictions; the binging and vomiting and cutting late at night; no food on the table, waiting for a parent to pick you up or the shame you vowed to take to your grave. Unpack those unhealthy blockages which keep reappearing in others or the ones you play out in relationships. These blockages create murky, muddy waters where we can quickly lose our grounding and allow insecurity to engulf us. This insecurity may ebb and flow, but it can always resurface in other forms such as health issues, addictions, anxiety, depression, as well as numerous additional challenges to our well-being.
Is there a friend who you keep getting hooked by, giving your time, energy, and emotion, only to find you’ve been insulted and used over and over in manipulative ways? What about the relationships where you vow to set healthy boundaries and no longer tolerate the narcissist’s behaviors? Is there a family member or work partner who continues to take advantage of you or refuses to see their own shortcomings, leaving you with the pieces to pick-up causing an abundance of stress?
None of the above examples foster intimacy or safety where we can interact within our own vulnerable states, sharing our wants and needs and having a place to give back and lift up one another empathetically. After you explore and begin to define your authentic self, then commit to intentional dialogue. Harville Hendrix, the co-founder of Imago Relationship Therapy – a purposeful type of relationship and couples therapy for all types of people - shows us the importance of being in the eyes of other. Hendrix states, “we are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship and we must heal in relationship.” The romantic stage, the power struggle and the conscious relationship, all stages with their positives and negatives, eventually point to the fact that to create a loving, intimate, safe, conscious relationship, we must learn to put defensiveness aside and practice compassionate listening which in turn validates the other’s reality (not necessarily agreeing, but rather hearing the partner).
Imago Relationship Therapy is based on the understanding that we all have an Imago (Latin for “image”) which is imprinted in our unconscious mind as a combination of positive and negative traits of our caretakers from childhood. Each one of us is unconsciously searching for a partner with this image set of positive and negative traits in order to heal the wounds inflicted on us in childhood through teenage years. In this unconscious drive that occurs behind the scenes in our minds in our daily life, we are looking to act out, interact and change in ways that our caretakers didn’t or couldn’t. Through professional help and guidance, you can learn to look for specific patterns or cycles, or what I call blueprints, to help identify, explore and grow. Also note, by childhood wounds, I don’t mean it has to be as severe as abuse or abandonment. We all have childhood wounds no matter how great our childhood was. Remember, what may seem logical or minimal to an adult may feel very significant to a 3, 4, or 5-year old, as they pack their own suitcases of memory.
As each person listens and then reiterates what the other is saying, we better understand and empathize, stretching beyond our childhood wounds and life traumas that we kept packed in the old rugged luggage, too ashamed or too afraid to open and empty its contents. However, the unpacking removes the clutter and the obstructions, fostering insight, growth, and authenticity. It’s an intentional process that can nurture desire, intimacy and love. Similarly, in platonic relationships with friends, family, community and work, others desire to also be understood. If we intentionally listen compassionately with others, letting them know we hear what they are saying by reiterating their voices, we can disentangle relationships and free them to grow and mature and perhaps be more focused in a common goal of fun or connection or efficiency. The benefits of learning and applying the principles of Imago Relationship Therapy in your interactions can be transforming, and it is a practice that is inclusive of gender identity, race, and applicable to heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual relationships.
Our stories, like the perennial gardens, will show up in places year after year – sometimes a lovely purple tulip anchored in the wind, and other times a choking weed hiding in the depths of the ground, showing its prickly thorns in defensiveness. Which will you choose to unpack today? Which needs tending to, watered or weeded? Are you ready for truth, vulnerability and worthiness to replace the old rugged luggage?
“You either walk inside your story and own it
or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.”
-Brene’ Brown