Journey of Healing

“Death is not the ending of anything. I believe all of us are only energy that becomes matter. When the matter goes away, the energy still exists. You can’t destroy it. It never dies.”

-Willie Nelson

Willie Nelson’s quote is in reference to his son who died by suicide. What an incredible reminder regarding death. If you are in a season of life currently missing a dear loved one, I wish you courage to feel the pain, and peace as you travel through the waves of searing torment and gut-wrenching struggle. I promise you, there is a side of this grief that echoes joy – dare I even say contentment? It’s true. 

It may take years

It may be intermittent

It will be messy and triggering with former losses and traumas you’ve endured in life or along your grief journey

You will be lost in something – depression, food, anxiety, a bottle of vodka or pills, someone else’s bed or alone in yours

It will happen

You will smile for others and sob behind closed doors

You might grow in faith, struggle with your faith, or renounce all beliefs

You will lose friends and gain friends

At times, you will have such dark thoughts or questions that you wouldn’t dare share

So, I encourage you to ask; express, speak, write, share, scream.

Find that one person with whom you can share outrageous humor and talk about matters under the evening stars that the moon will keep to herself as well as light your way when the darkness is too much to bear

All this change and agony; there is another side

Your heart will find relief under the warming sunshine and on quiet nighttime walks when you can cry and laugh and release all that is stuck in your fascia, muscles and memories

On this other side of grief, eventually you will reconcile and forgive

You will slowly surrender – to love, to life, to loss

Various modes of healing will aid you

Slowly, over time, you will sit by the water and smile as you remember

The sound of children laughing will no longer startle you

You’ll welcome music again

When sirens blare, your panic will no longer linger

 Blooming flowers will greet you with vibrant colors

The nightmares will fade

Along your journey you will need help in some way, so reach out

“You don’t have to be so brave” is what a therapist once told me

Over time, you will emerge somewhat wiser, more intuitive, and less innocent

You will for some time have a guarded heart - more selective of your energy and time

This is needed for healing

This journey we call life is so lovely, so fragile

We are mere shells of a vast plan orchestrated to have our soul’s purpose growing closer to spirit and to one another

Be open and grieve

Then rest

How do I know this?

Many ways in this lifetime

One is my boy, my beautiful Jacob Michael Joseph Childers

Who died on August 23, 2009, at 19 years old in a car accident on his way to work

Too soon

The most devastating, soul crushing day of my life

And now I sit on the patio of my favorite Mexican restaurant where no one else sits

My favorite waitress arrives for her shift, smiling, walking up to me waving

“Oh Mama! Hola! There you are! I’ve been thinking about you so much!”

We lock eyes

She remembers

She hugs me

And then my favorite waiter returns

“You stay and write as long as you want to!”

We hug too

I’m alone again and look around

I am surrounded by hundreds of orange marigolds waving to me from across the street

Orange. Jacob’s favorite color. I am smiling and laughing out loud

I hear birds singing

My heart feels alive

Because I believe my boy’s energy is alive – all around me

We’ll light a candle tonight – one on our front step and one in his garden

Because of fifteen years ago at 6:18am when he died, I’ll be at his memorial bench

Smiling, listening, thanking God through Gregorian chants, singing bowl, and prayers

By my husband’s side

Crying because I want him here

Crying because I’ll see him again – even now in so many reminders of his living spirit

So many good memories

No longer taking on his earthly pain from his accident

Rather I’m taking on his spiritual energy and connecting with him through life and peace

Oh Peace

Sweet, Sweet Peace

Help us all to remember this feeling when breathing is unbearable in our grief

Here we are - mere shells of a human

Collected along the cascades of life

From sandy shores in tiny pieces to pillars of strength on mountain tops

Forged to create the very essence of who we are

Knit with the breath of life by something greater than us

Sharing our energy

Grit. Courage. Perseverance. Light. Love. Strength.

Amy M. Childers@2024

Catastrophe

Catastrophe

The news crushed her;

Broke her heart into shattered pieces;

Snapped her thoughts and feelings in two

Stabbed her lungs as she gasped for air.

Her energy morphed into a thick, stagnant bog

and

Her unsteady feet shuffled underneath her once vibrant body.

She was struck down.

Destroyed.

Then, slowly, very slowly over time, like the flickering ember of hope in a dwindling fire –

She rose.

She chose life…

And she rose

And she rose

And she rose.

She asked the wind to bring her those shattered pieces

And one by one

Tear by tear

Scream by scream,

The moon cradled her in the curve of his arms – guiding her through her darkest hours.

The sun, in all her healing sphere of radiant energy,

Guided her muscles, tendons and connective tissue

and

United her fragile body with courage, strength and hope

For her mind

For her body

For her spirit

For vulnerable healing - not all at once

There was too much ache.

Not even forever.

But piece by piece.

She chose life

And she rose

And she rose

 And she rose.

—Amy Childers

 When I anticipate Thanksgiving in America, it’s as if my heart bows to my soul in humble awareness of all that I am, all that I have, all that I’ve endured. I think of Native Americans and European settlers in the United States. All that pain and ownership and history of violence and power, which eventually greeted negotiations, division of land and a long process of healing. Thanksgiving in America began as colonists in New England observed days to be thankful such as surviving a drought, healing from a sickness, arriving after a safe journey or blessed with abundant harvest. Traditionally prayers and sharing of meals took place.

Americans today model this holiday based on a 1621 feast where the Wampanoag tribe and English colonists gathered in peace, sharing food, company and culture. The Wampanoag, meaning “People of the First Light,” were here long before Europeans arrived. While catastrophe in history teaches us the killings, fierce bloodshed, diseases and even epidemics killed many of the indigenous people of that time, we as a unified people, each in our own beliefs and traditions and cultures, can live today in peace, respecting similarities and differences. It’s about educating our selves about each catastrophe, leaving our judgement out of it, and then deciding how we will individually take action to allow the flow of healing and change. When catastrophe happens, we can either choose life or death. Sometimes both happen.   

When you personally envision a catastrophe, what comes to mind? What broke your mind, body and spirit in two? Perhaps you are currently in the midst of that catastrophe and a thankful heart is too much to bear. That is okay. Honor where you are at. If you are moving through it; ebbing and flowing, allow the shattered pieces to come to you; fall into place. Can you choose life? Can you rise? Can you rise? Can you rise?  

I am thankful for many things, one of which is the memory of my son, Jacob who tragically died 11 years ago in a car accident. A catastrophe. And each day I must make the choice – just like you – will you put your pieces together, whatever your catastrophe, and will you allow yourself to fall and rise, over and over again, until one day that flicker ignites; sometimes barely there, sometimes bright as the full moon lighting our path… and can you rise, can you rise, can you rise?  

In our very uncertain times of pain and pandemic and death and anxiety and depression and politics and judgement, I challenge you to be the early Wampanoag tribe. I challenge you to be the early European settlers. I challenge you to ask yourself, “What am I truly thankful for? Who has changed my life? Who has given me food, clothed me, took me in? Who, in the time of my life that I was struck down, helped me by showing pure love and compassion and inspiration so I could choose life?”

 We are struck down, but not destroyed. Continued peace, safety and goodwill.

And may you rise, may you rise, may you rise.

Transformation

“From the ashes we will rise,
Our blooming bones have heard the cries,
Of a thousand women pleading in the moon’s night,
Of a thousand men hiding their faces from the sun’s light.
All in the name of loss.”

-Amy Childers

In a recent conversation with a friend, we were talking about the death of her mom. It happened to be storming outside. In fact, to the north, the clouds were dark and angry as the swirling wind threw small pieces of hail to the ground, yet from the south, there were sun beams smiling through the tree branches. It was not too long after the one-year anniversary of her mom’s death and we were reflecting and sharing some of her favorite memories. She also talked about the sad times and the struggle that she and her mom once had. I was thinking of something I overheard regarding grief that said something like, “you can’t look back –you have to find the happy and keep moving forward.”  As if my friend was reading my mind, she said, “I think nature shows us that it’s okay to look back; it’s okay to scream or cry,” her voice cracked right in tempo with a booming clash of thunder and I jumped slightly in my chair. I agree with her completely. In fact, I teach it to my clients. It really is okay, and actually very important at times to look back. It helps us grow and transform and build self-reliance both individually and systemically.

 I love that picture that she created in my mind – the fact that nature shows us, teaches us, and perhaps nature even gives us permission to know it’s okay to scream or cry. Think back for a moment to the very last time you screamed or cried. Was it out of anger? Hurt? Sadness? Frustration? Perhaps it was an argument with a child or partner or spouse. Was it bad news about your health or job or misunderstanding with a friend? Did a dream, a passion, or a loved one die?  

Think for a moment about what grips your heart and brings you to your knees, cradling that vulnerable place inside you. It’s important as we journey through life, digging deep and reinventing ourselves, that we ask this question, “What have I survived and am I living or dying during my life’s journey?” 

 If we want to continue living, we might ask ourselves, “what is my passion and how can I transform it to ignite a fire within me?” And, to find our peace, we must stretch our minds, bodies and spirits in ways to bring awareness of our thoughts and feelings as well as tuning-in to what our body’s sensations are telling us. Perhaps when you’re trying to get a point across, your throat feels tight.  Or when you’re struggling with grief or a loss of any kind, does your heart feel heavy, or is your solar plexus tied in knots? What is your body telling you? I encourage you to check-in with yourself throughout the day – take a few deep breaths, ask yourself, for example, if your shoulders are relaxed or if your thighs are tight. Body awareness, along with meditation, contemplation and prayer, regardless of your spiritual beliefs and practices, will help forge your energy into a more grounded and tranquil being. This being or entity called self is both completely yours as well as simultaneously active in others.  

The Greek philosopher Socrates is perhaps best known for the quote, “Know Thyself.” When we do inner work, navigating into those deep places that can be both sorrowful or joyful through meditation and prayer, we understand that the self-matters. This allows us to hold up our own light that has been dimmed or even extinguished, perhaps even many times, shining it for our family, our friends, coworkers and community; engaging our newly transformed self-reliance that is carved into self-confidence. And, those we help can carry the torch to yet another breaking heart, jobless veteran, broken marriage, grief-stricken parent, hopeless teen, lonely widow, HIV positive, cancer metastasized, parent deployed, your voice doesn’t matter trauma-struck scenario.  

 Individual and community. Although we are tempted to separate the two, here is yet another example of what we think may be two opposites, yet they go hand in hand. In his essay “Self-Reliance” Ralph Waldo Emerson declares, “nothing can bring you peace but yourself.” Emerson was a Transcendentalist, focusing on nature and individuality, challenging societal norms to improve self and society. We individually do our inner work, practice awareness and peace, giving name to both our shadow and conscious self, and then share our light - helping to clear the path for self and others.  

Transformation is a powerful action word that sounds inspiring and whole.  In reality, in order to transform, we will experience and react both negatively and positively. On this journey, we will, at times be mean and ugly. We will also smile and sing; love and show kindness. Our traumas can form and shape us; perhaps even define us – but when we invite self-reliant intuition to greet boldness, we can transform.   

Take the chance; dare to be different. Be aware and bold in the healing of what you have  survived – Be Brave as a Butterfly.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:

 if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

-Carl Jung

In living, may you be a pillar of transformation; each of us holding a torch, lighting the path for self…and for one another.

 Continued peace, safety and goodwill to you!

“Nature always wears the colors of the spirit.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Northwest Ohio has had beautiful, dry sunny weather these past two weeks. My gardens and flowers have loved it, but only with a daily water source from the old-fashion sprinklers I played in as a child. The forecast for today through the next several days is heavy rainfall, dreary and overcast. It’s an ebb in the flow of lovely weather. And, just as nature would have it, we might parallel the pulse of society: the communities and cities within the United States and the world, and perhaps even within your home, health, workplace or relationships. The ground has cracks and wide fissures like angry, abandoned, destructed buildings whose owners are left empty and hopeless. As I write this, the pouring rain is striking the pavement both horizontally and vertically, creating a zigzag of dizziness and shock like when one falls to his knees receiving devastating news. The rivers are to reach their peak crest with flash flood warnings, like a friendship or romantic relationship reaching the breaking point of hurt or betrayal or miscommunication. Oh, this weather…this ebb and flow of our life stories.

Lovely, lovely rain…nourishing the earth…giving her gulps of energy, and substance and life. Keep flowing from your life source of the sea, so we may cheer for the green-bursting blades of grass, and bow in solitude for the echoing dry, brittle ground from which you have endured…just like us when our treacherous days of pain kiss the wholeness of joy.

Do you see the birds nestling and snuggling, protecting their babies in their nests? Listen as they call out in chirps, singing praises and inspirations to their feathered friends from all walks of life. I sit and smile.

And the trees…the green crowns of glory standing rooted as the storms shake them to their core…just like the turbulent days of agony that shaped and molded us into who we are today, and yet who we are becoming. Thank you oaks and maples, redwoods and willows; palms, fruit-bearing and cypress - stretching all around the world like our broken and mended hearts; chanting prayers and mantras for hope and healing for our world, our communities, our families…ourselves.

Do you see the sun nodding to the moon? It makes my heart skip like a little girl jumping in the puddles with no restriction; so pure. The sun knows he can rely on the moon every night, so the moon smiles back in all of her fullness, shining and lighting the way for sojourners growing and changing, taking flight in new ideas, new endeavors, new awarenesses.

Then, as the rain turns to a drizzle, the flowers stretch, the dirt settles, the wilderness awakes. Slowly and steadily life unfolds and nature releases a deep sigh. The sky serenades the sea, and the sea reveals her deep mystic vastness, both inviting humankind to share love and peace and vulnerability. I bow to the storm in wisdom and curtsy in playfulness, for she is a teacher, forging and sculpting the very expansion of who we are.

“Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.”
—Albert Einstein

Boxed In

She colored a giraffe today,
One ear pink the other green,
A tail of blue and the body brown
with spots of many colors.

She brought in her joyful offering into the world of grown-ups,
and the first to see it said,
“But no one has ever seen a giraffe like that!”
“Isn’t that too bad!”
was all she said.

Keep resisting, child, those little boxes,
The cramped and stuffy judgments that bury one alive.
Fight the brave battle to be the one you are.

-Gerhard E. Frost, “Seasons of a Lifetime”

As I witness my 3-year old granddaughter find her place in this chaotic world of 2020, I love to watch her grow and stretch physically as she runs and jumps and dresses herself; as well as emotionally in using her voice when she wants or needs something.  I’m in awe once again (after watching my own children develop through this stage so many years ago) of the courage to overcome the booming fireworks and instead see their beauty by her excitement of cheering and clapping and screeching a thrilling scream, “Gigi, Gigi, look at that one, and that one, ohhhh, did you see that one, Gigi?” Or chanting “NO! NO! NO!” like a drill sergeant trying to get her point across, or showing her curiosity about the meaning of words and phrases, asking about buildings and cars and trucks and names of flowers, inquiring about how tools work, and telling me her interpretation of what different bird songs mean. She also watches people’s expressions, tones and body language, like when we were in the grocery store one day before COVID: “Oh Gigi, that mama yelled at her son really mean!” “Gigi, why did the mama make her eyes like this?” (she imitated a very angry look on her face where her eyes darted downwards and mouth curled up like a growling dog).

All of the information-gathering that she is doing takes me back to my undergraduate Psychology courses in Human Development Across the Life Span. Basically, she is creating what is referred to as schemas which are building blocks of knowledge or a way of organizing learned information. Once these schemas are built, the existing schemas are capable of explaining to ourselves what can be perceived.  When what we perceive feels safe and we understand it, this places us in a state of equilibrium or a state of cognitive balance. We continue creating, building, refiling and renaming our schemas throughout our lifetime. We continue this process due to various personal, familial, social and global factors to include new information, lessons learned and events that we experience.

Imagine a personal state of balance which fosters a feeling of peace. I teach clients how to work through their schemas that bring upset and interpersonal discord, then we explore and discuss thoughts, feelings and behaviors – both past and present- that keep adding to the imbalance. It takes courage to be a part of a therapeutic healing journey. It can be both gut-wrenchingly painful and joyfully freeing to hold a new awareness, feel the pain around that awareness, then work to create new behaviors or new ways of believing, seeing or functioning in one’s life and in the world. Schemas help us understand and respond to situations.

I wonder, with all of 2020’s discord, unknowing, cognitive dissonance, fear, conflict, hostility, insecurity, unpredictability…..where do we as adults - for ourselves and for the children - find harmony, higher power, transformation, clarity, authenticity, change, courage, responsibility, love? What will you turn to for inspiration and grounding as a schema or framework about an object, an event, a person or a group of people, that will positively affect the space between reality and what you perceive?

Do you have the courage, like a child forming schemas, to get curious and ask questions to heal a part of you that keeps you trapped in the cycle of victimhood, injury, codependence, addiction, confusion or woundedness?  Life is tough! Life is very tough with its changes and challenges; losses and diseases; abuses, neglects and emptiness. Go within and search. As Mother Teresa once said, “In silence we will find new energy and true unity. Silence gives us a new outlook on everything.”

Take the chance. Dare to be authentic. Allow that which is good into your heart, mind and soul. Like a child in the sandbox, allow the sieve to strain away that which no longer is needed or no longer serves you. Create healthy boundaries and reprocess painful experiences that keep you tethered to affliction.

Will your openness be buried alive like the perfectly-colored picture of the giraffe trapped by the rigid schema of how it should look like? Or, will you create the courage schema and blossom into your authenticity?

Peace to you always!

“Lose yourself in nature and find peace.” -ralph waldo emerson

After a few months of this pandemic, several versions of quarantine, and some of my own stuff that has been triggered, I’m reminded once again of the wisdom that nature gives us through the cycle of ebb and flow; through life and death; through joy and tragedy.

Regardless of our political views, interpretations or concerns about why COVID19 is here in the world, it is imperative that we as a human race connect with one another to allow the flow of love to pump through our minds and bodies. Whether the connection is within our own tribe, in prayer or meditation, or waving through a window or computer screen to loved ones and business associates, as we individually seek our own truth, we are opening our mind, body and energy to become alive. When alive, we can then become more of our authentic selves and then share that inspiration with others. The hope is to encourage and influence people to eventually submit to perseverance and embrace resilience despite the sickness or heartbreak or tragedy that has been imprinted on their heart. As Emerson so wisely said, “It’s not the length of life, but depth of life.”

The ebb and flow in nature is throughout all lands, and life cannot be full without some form of change or death or restructuring. As you are well aware, changes come in many forms, some joyful like a healthy committed relationship, a new baby, or a freshly planted crop in the right weather conditions. Some can be devastating like a broken relationship, a cancer diagnosis, or a child who left the earth too early. The key to coping through all the fears and changes and obstacles that I’ve learned and share in my practice is trifold: be aware, allow the feelings and thoughts, and then allow for the repair. It’s a process and the process is ongoing, which is why we need to lose ourselves often in something healthy like nature and eventually feel the peace. And remember, the peace will come and go…that’s okay! Similar to nature’s perennials, peace will always come back. Sometimes peace will come back in forms we don’t even consciously realize, like taking on new thoughts and feelings; new people and places; new ideas, new ways of perceiving and even new ways of breathing.

A few weeks ago, I talked with an old friend from grad school. We hadn’t talked in 2 ½ years – life simply got busy. We engaged in a philosophical and riveting conversation - similar to our former conversations - laughed and joked, and reminisced about old times. For part of his life, he grew up in a home in the inner-city surrounded by drug abuse and prostitution. For part of my life, I grew up in an alcoholic and emotionally abusive home. We both came from abandonment and brokenness. We have all endured some form of tragedy, regardless of our age, gender, race or sexual orientation. As our two years of grad school unfolded, he and another good friend and I connected pretty quickly, working on research, trauma-focused therapy, and culture-focused projects that led us to professionally present in Montreal, Quebec. What an honor to stand next to some of the highest achieved in our profession and share the same podium! These honored therapists and educators were supportive to us and shared their life journeys full of vulnerabilities, which in turn encouraged us to stretch and grow. Some were ready to pass the torch as they neared retirement and they were happy and eager to show us the ropes in the counseling field. My trip to Montreal was during a very difficult career transition and brought a flow of peace in a life-changing way.

I find it lovely that Montreal’s city motto, “le salut par la concorde” in French, was taken from the Latin saying “Concordia Salus,” or in English, “well-being through harmony.” What brings you well-being and harmony? What stretches you and gives you a sense of purpose? Are you nearing or beyond retirement, or making an important transition or significant change in your life? How do you manage stress and feed your spirit? Who are the people in your tribe and do they know your love for them? Can you heal a divide between you and another with a sincere apology today for a past hurt? Can you choose to forgive as a healing moment for your own heart and happiness? Once we embrace inner-peace for authentic self-reliance, we can develop, stretch and grow peace to the very core of our being. Then, like the full moon breathing light into the shadow sky, we can be an illuminating path for others, working in harmony to create a better today and a better tomorrow. More self- love and less ego brings forth peace and harmony. It’s your choice how to cultivate it. 

Towards the end of the conversation with my friend, I said, “I’m feeling some kind of depth from this whole pandemic and quarantine.” We talked a little more and he summed it up beautifully: “You know me, I find the positive in everything…I’m reframing my mind from what society and other systems want of me. I’ve realized I don’t need a lot of stuff and chasing things does not matter. Even the fear tactic (he’s in Detroit), we gotta just stay home and follow directions and we should be good because we actually don’t know really what’s causing it. There’s too much worrying, fake goals, fake pretending…but you know what? The wind is still blowing, the sun still comes up and the birds are singing!”

When we, like the deeply rooted tree, bow but not break to the ever-changing elements, the power of the true self emerges. This transformative journey is like a treasure map to the deep self. Along this path, there will be drought and brokenness. We will be thirsty and hungry and fall to our knees. And like the branches of the Willow tree, excavating herself time and time again, she will survive the turbulent winds. She will curtsy in the calm breeze; She will dance in authenticity; She will smile in the warmth of the sun.

Continued peace to you always!