I was reminded once again of the ebb and flow of loss a few weeks ago during an unseasonable snow storm in northwest Ohio. I awoke to four inches of snow on blooming tulips, flowering forsythia bushes, and greens – hostas, ferns and various perennials sprouting from the ground. I knew my almost four-year old granddaughter would be ecstatic and plead to make snow angels, have snowball fights and run in the snow. The image of her excitement put a smile on my face as I opened the sliding glass door and stepped into my back yard. As I gazed out at the majestic scene, I noticed one of my 25-year-old lilac bushes, already in bloom with dark purple flowers, laying on the ground. I was confused and as I looked closer, I saw the thick, strong trunk split in two. The smiling, blooming fragrant lilacs lay on their side on the bright white snow, shaking in the cold wind while the remaining part of the bush lay limp and lifeless. I surveyed the yard and as I approached my favorite flowering crab apple displaying fuchsia pink against dark green leaves, my heart sank. Four split large branches fell to the ground and a few others barely hanging on. An umbrella of flourishing branches unable to sustain the wet, heavy snow formed an umbrella due to the weight. As I walked underneath and inside of this canopy of color and new life, I looked up to notice the breaks on the tree, like a razor-sharp axe violently splitting wood into jagged pieces. My heart sank once again. I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach and I started to panic. I had to sit down. So, I sat on the cold wet snow and I started to cry. Why was this met with such intensity?
I am a lover of nature – waters that are still and waters that are majestic. I love the flowers and trees and dirt and stones. In the midst of summer, I sometimes set my alarm for 3:30am to hear the very first bird chirp in the morning. I garden without gloves and walk barefoot to feel connected to mother earth, God and all that this beautiful creation truly offers. I dig up earthworms and talk to them with my granddaughter then watch them inch their way back into the gardens. When my children were younger, we would sometimes jump into the car at dusk and follow the sun to watch it set, pretending we were on our way to California. I have been known to howl at the full moon in my backyard or at the banks of the Maumee River and smile when sunbeams find me in the morning. This is the authentic me. I speak in stories of nature because nature speaks to me.
“Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.” Thank you, Albert Einstein! He also has stated, “The law of nature states everything has a vibration and everything in life is vibration. Everything is energy and that’s all there is to it.” Therefore, in the midst of your ebb and flow in life, make sure you are tending to your life and death process. Perhaps you could think of it as your love and loss process where sometimes your vibration is high and sometimes your vibration is low. Since, as Einstein puts it, everything in life is vibration, how are you raising your vibration, or energy? Are you connecting with self and tending to your joys and hurts? Are you taking time for yourself and setting boundaries as you find a balance with family and friends or volunteering efforts? How’s your physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual health? Take the time to go inward and reflect, contemplate, discern. Feel losses as they arise – losses are so filled with fear and sadness, why do we retreat from them when they actually have so much to teach us and grow us?
Raising your vibration brings clarity – just like when spring is in full bloom – clear colors, fragrant scents, melodious bird songs. For me, what was really behind the destruction of the split lilac bush and the jagged, damaged tree that the snow storm delivered? The truth to my authentic self was that it was a haunting reminder of my own ebb and flow grief process of my son’s fatal car accident almost 12 years ago. The image of the broken tree was connected with some of the images from his car accident. Now I’ve seen snow before and damaged trees, but at that one moment, my mind and body were sent into a triggered response in my sympathetic nervous system. You see, my journey of love and loss sometimes creeps up on me like a thief in the night, taking my breath away, sending my nervous system into panic mode, hijacking my thoughts and feelings. I am no different than you and your loss whether it be death, a natural disaster, an illness, job loss, divorce, abuse, or witnessing an accident or a loved one with medical difficulties, and the list continues.
The sympathetic nervous system is activated under conditions of stress, releasing various hormones throughout the body, producing a flight-fight-freeze-submit-cry response. It’s part of all living people and animals. (Even plants, although not a sympathetic nervous system, can generate electrical impulses called action potentials, meaning they sense and respond rather than know). Once the hormones are released, flooding, triggering and then the stress response takes place in the body. The goal is to return to a balanced state for mind, body and energy.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Many eyes go through the meadow, but few see the flowers in it.” We need to go deep sometimes. The importance is how we tend to the stress. First, we allow it. I know – that’s not very typical of us, after all, who wants to feel pain and relive trauma? Understand it’s your mind and body’s way of moving through the loss. Trauma therapy like EMDR or sensorimotor psychotherapy for example are good helpers, as well as talk therapy with a certified, experienced professional. Body and energy work provide relief such as massage, yoga, acupuncture, reiki, physical therapy, Tai chi, Chi Gong, and chiropractic care. Walking, talking with a trusted friend, journaling, gardening, deep breathing, meditation and prayer, and getting lost in something you enjoy like reading, gaming, working on a car, hiking, puzzles etc. are all helpful in bringing the nervous system back into balance.
Give birth to your story – your joys and your pains. Give it life and honor your ebb and flow of life and loss. There are people among us to help hold that sacred space; help us endure and catch our breath as we feel the pain. Similar to a midwife, they offer care and support as peace and balance eventually greet one another. Peace in your ebb and flow journey!