“Death is not an ending, but a symbol of movement along the path upon which we are all traveling. As it may be painful to lose contact with the physical aspect of one we love, the Spirit can never be lost. We have been and always will be a part of each other.”
John Denver
“Send her healing energy,” “Keep him in your prayers,” “I wanted you to know she’s no longer suffering.” These are all sentiments I’ve heard over the last month. So much loss, so much letting go, so much reflecting on what was, what used to be, and what has transformed. As we move into a new year, oftentimes we have hopes and expectations for things to get better or get back to normal. Sometimes we want and hope for things to be different – a marriage, a committed relationship, a financial situation, a friendship, a teen’s choices, a job status or a health condition. Whether it is a death or another form of loss, we can vacillate from begging and pleading to commanding and demanding – swaying unsteadily between emotional responses to bear our pain.
We want our loved one back – we don’t understand why he or she died. Whether we are in the beginning sting of loss or carry old scars from the battle with grief, our wounds will feel raw at various stages. At any moment in time, our senses can remind us of our loved ones: the smell of dad’s Old Spice cologne or mom’s Chanel No. 5; the sight of a sister’s labored breathing; the sound of a teenage boy bouncing his basketball; the taste of grandma’s apple pie; the touch of a friend’s arms who brought healing and light – our senses come alive and allow us to remember. Our senses also come alive and allow us to feel. And, while it is wonderful when these memories bring us joy, sometimes they can make us feel alone.
As John Corey Whaley shares with us in his work “Where Things Come Back,” “Not only had my brother disappeared, but – and bear with me here – a part of my very being had gone with him. Stories about us could, from then on, be told from only one perspective. Memories could be told, but not shared.” This loss of a shared memory, a private knowing of our own connected experience, can seem difficult to recover.
Once we allow our senses to come alive, we can feel a myriad of emotions – sad, angry, confused, ecstatic, shock, guilt, numb, depression, longing, just to name a few. These feelings can be very overwhelming and frightening at times. Sometimes we also carry-on at first as if nothing significant has happened. Feeling disoriented and questioning our place in this world is also a common response. Further, physical manifestations of grief can affect our appetite, digestion and sleep cycles. Anxiety levels often increase resulting in having a difficult time catching our breath, shaking, sweating, heart pounding and feeling as if we could faint or have a heart attack.
The good news is that there are ways to manage and work through all of these symptoms and experiences. It can be helpful to talk with family, friends, a doctor, clergy or therapist, an important step in knowing we are not alone in our pain. We can focus on our physical and emotional well-being by choosing healthy foods, stretching, walking, yoga, and breathing exercises, just a few ideas of what can gently guide us through this difficult time.
Pain, sorrow, loss, and change are common human experiences we must process and survive. If we carry these aches every minute of every day, our minds and bodies could become paralyzed with fear and despondency. We must, when faced with tragedy, in some logical timeframe, be willing to stand up and say, “Oh yes, there you are, my aching, pounding, grieving heart who wants to stop; who wants to quit; who wants to scream and run and hide….I see you, I feel you. And today, just for this moment, I will remember things that fill my heart with joy; things that help me deeply breathe-in the fresh outdoor air, and things that make me laugh and play and sing. And my heart, for that moment, will dance with the blood laughing and flowing through my veins; pumping through my body - muscles relaxing, connective tissue and nervous system waltzing together just so…and I will remember him, or her…and together, may we smile.”
Continued peace, safety and goodwill.