“Death is not the ending of anything. I believe all of us are only energy that becomes matter. When the matter goes away, the energy still exists. You can’t destroy it. It never dies.”
-Willie Nelson
Willie Nelson’s quote is in reference to his son who died by suicide. What an incredible reminder regarding death. If you are in a season of life currently missing a dear loved one, I wish you courage to feel the pain, and peace as you travel through the waves of searing torment and gut-wrenching struggle. I promise you, there is a side of this grief that echoes joy – dare I even say contentment? It’s true.
It may take years
It may be intermittent
It will be messy and triggering with former losses and traumas you’ve endured in life or along your grief journey
You will be lost in something – depression, food, anxiety, a bottle of vodka or pills, someone else’s bed or alone in yours
It will happen
You will smile for others and sob behind closed doors
You might grow in faith, struggle with your faith, or renounce all beliefs
You will lose friends and gain friends
At times, you will have such dark thoughts or questions that you wouldn’t dare share
So, I encourage you to ask; express, speak, write, share, scream.
Find that one person with whom you can share outrageous humor and talk about matters under the evening stars that the moon will keep to herself as well as light your way when the darkness is too much to bear
All this change and agony; there is another side
Your heart will find relief under the warming sunshine and on quiet nighttime walks when you can cry and laugh and release all that is stuck in your fascia, muscles and memories
On this other side of grief, eventually you will reconcile and forgive
You will slowly surrender – to love, to life, to loss
Various modes of healing will aid you
Slowly, over time, you will sit by the water and smile as you remember
The sound of children laughing will no longer startle you
You’ll welcome music again
When sirens blare, your panic will no longer linger
Blooming flowers will greet you with vibrant colors
The nightmares will fade
Along your journey you will need help in some way, so reach out
“You don’t have to be so brave” is what a therapist once told me
Over time, you will emerge somewhat wiser, more intuitive, and less innocent
You will for some time have a guarded heart - more selective of your energy and time
This is needed for healing
This journey we call life is so lovely, so fragile
We are mere shells of a vast plan orchestrated to have our soul’s purpose growing closer to spirit and to one another
Be open and grieve
Then rest
How do I know this?
Many ways in this lifetime
One is my boy, my beautiful Jacob Michael Joseph Childers
Who died on August 23, 2009, at 19 years old in a car accident on his way to work
Too soon
The most devastating, soul crushing day of my life
And now I sit on the patio of my favorite Mexican restaurant where no one else sits
My favorite waitress arrives for her shift, smiling, walking up to me waving
“Oh Mama! Hola! There you are! I’ve been thinking about you so much!”
We lock eyes
She remembers
She hugs me
And then my favorite waiter returns
“You stay and write as long as you want to!”
We hug too
I’m alone again and look around
I am surrounded by hundreds of orange marigolds waving to me from across the street
Orange. Jacob’s favorite color. I am smiling and laughing out loud
I hear birds singing
My heart feels alive
Because I believe my boy’s energy is alive – all around me
We’ll light a candle tonight – one on our front step and one in his garden
Because of fifteen years ago at 6:18am when he died, I’ll be at his memorial bench
Smiling, listening, thanking God through Gregorian chants, singing bowl, and prayers
By my husband’s side
Crying because I want him here
Crying because I’ll see him again – even now in so many reminders of his living spirit
So many good memories
No longer taking on his earthly pain from his accident
Rather I’m taking on his spiritual energy and connecting with him through life and peace
Oh Peace
Sweet, Sweet Peace
Help us all to remember this feeling when breathing is unbearable in our grief
Here we are - mere shells of a human
Collected along the cascades of life
From sandy shores in tiny pieces to pillars of strength on mountain tops
Forged to create the very essence of who we are
Knit with the breath of life by something greater than us
Sharing our energy
Grit. Courage. Perseverance. Light. Love. Strength.
Amy M. Childers@2024
